The Night Of The Forbidden Laws
by Reikanishy
Summary: I hated writing this, it touched too many nerves. Duo is falling, and can Heero, the emotionless perfect soldier, save him from himself, and open up at the same time? Cutting, depression, angst, yaoi. Not suitable for younger viewers.
1. The Night of The Forbidden Laws

_Hello again, it is I, Melissa._

_This story touches on some sensitive issues for me, seeing as it is a cutting/depression fiction of Duo. I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember, and have been cutting since I was about 13, and I want to portray this as accurately as possible. Please, no flaming; I write this story to tell you of my own hardships, not because I want some sort of reward for writing a depressing fiction. I also want no sympathy, please save it for the people who need it most._

_I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its affiliates._

_There is a Yaoi warning, strong language warning, lemon in later chapters and there is also this R rating due to disturbing content. Depression is not just moaning about not being able to go out due to grounding, or failing a test. Depression is deadly, deadly serious and should be treated as a sometimes fatal disease. If you think you are suffering from depression, or have been cutting without telling anyone, please call a help line or seek help from family, friends, even your family doctor._

_Heero and Duos point of view will be used in this one, alternating nearly every chapter. I know I have read a story similar to this here at , called "Jittery", by ShinigamiPhoenix but this is told from my point of view, with my own experiences, so that is where the similarity ends._

_The song in this story is Linkins Park-In The End._

_Thankyou for looking at this page. Let the games begin._

**Sweet Temptation. **

_I tried so hard_

_And got so far_

_But in the end_

_It doesn't even matter_

_I had to fall_

_To lose it all_

_But in the end_

_It doesn't even matter_

;;;--(( Duos Point Of View))--;;;

I felt it bubbling below the surface, like a volcano threatening to disgorge its entrails to the cool air. It had heat too, a shifting burning need that was unfocused, darting across my skin like the twirls of some savage performer. I sighed, my arms tightly folded across my knees as I drew them up to my chest as if in supplication. This was a bad night.

I heard Heero breathing slowly and rhythmically in the single bed just across from mine and I smiled sadly. He didn't know that I cared for him, like the others didn't know about my….problem. I would have to keep it this way too. It would be bad enough the guys finding out that I was part Duo, part lunatic, but for him to know that I practically loved him….that wouldn't do at all.

The moon had finally shifted from behind the clouds. I felt a special kinship with the orb after months of studying the night sky, looking for an answer. I liked to think it was searching for something too, maybe the sun that hid itself from sight as if to hide shame whenever the pale silvery ball rose hauntingly into the sky. I sighed again. There was no use brooding about it all now; the need had begun to fester under my skin.

I rose from my bed in a fluid motion, hesitating for a moment as I checked to see if Heero was still asleep. He was, and I almost went to stand by him when I saw that some of his hair had fallen into his eyes. What would it be like to just sweep it back with my hand gently, to make him wake so I could stare into those glacier like eyes once again? I was being foolish. What would happen is Heero probably killing me with the gun he had under his pillow. Reality had once more reared her ugly head.

I padded my way gently to the bathroom, standing in the shadows outside the door to make sure once more that Heero was still dozing. I escaped inside, shutting the door so I was in absolute darkness before switching on the light switch, blinking as the harsh fluorescents hit my night adjusted eyes. I breathed, not realising I had been holding my breath, and shifted slightly so I could open my draw, the bottom one on a cabinet of three.

Nestled inside were all the things I needed to survive healthy, clean and smelling nice and strawberry like. What the others didn't know about was the little secret compartment hidden in the side of the draw that house my blades. They were pretty little things, yellowed and cracked ivory handles inset with some strange silver/gold alloy that shifted colours when presented in the light. The actual blades were stainless steel, shiny and straight and with a smoothness that hinted at ice and sharp edges. They were my friends when the times of this horrible need forced itself upon me in a terrible king of consensual rape.

I shivered as the coldness of the blades numbed my fingers when I traced down their length like the caress of an uncertain lover. They made the heat in me die; they would help me. I hated myself for being so dependant on an inanimate object, but the voice inside my head that told me this was normal and ok started singing gently wordlessly in a lilting lullaby. I closed my eyes and listened for a moment, bowing my head to acknowledge its presence.

I sat so my back braced the door, my knees straightening as I almost slumped in relief. I flipped my long braid over my shoulder, marvelling in the way the colours absorbed the light and made it glow like living wood. When I cut colours seem sharper, and more in focus somehow, like some great movie roller of my life had finally gone along the right running grooves of the machine. I rolled up my black pyjama sleeves so I could have clear access to my pale forearm that was already crisscrossed with a multitude of white and slightly red lines.

I studied these for a moment, the feelings of disgust and sick pleasure already roiling in my tense belly. I forced myself to calm down; a mistake at this point would result in death, and I wasn't quite ready to take that step. Yet. I could feel that particular little demon gnawing like a rat in my heart, and I knew that the time would come when I would embrace it and succumb to these feelings of mine.

I placed the tip of the blade lightly against my smooth skin, turning it so I could see shafts of light winking onto my chest from the steels reflective surface. I pressed slightly downwards, revelling in the feeling of my blood, my tainted blood, rising to the surface like some horror from beneath a broiling sea. I stopped to still my shaking hand and my wildly beating heart, making sure that I would only cut the surface layers of the skin.

I suddenly flashed the knife deeper, making it glide through my flesh and feeling something akin to a mental orgasm rock my body that left my mouth gaping and scooping air in silently. The first was always the best, the first release if you like. The rest were like the aftershocks of a tremor in the earth, bleeding movement vanishing as the last of the waves dissipated. I lifted the blade and watched the blood roll lazily down its shiny sides with a detached fascination. I was more interested in the blood sluggishly swelling in the shallow cut, putting the knife on my leg as I squeezed it to make it bleed a little faster.

After I was satisfied with the speed of the flow I picked up the knife again, deciding to cut a little higher above the first to see if I could make the blood mingle together on the dance floor of my skin. Then something totally unexpected happened. As I began the second cut the same feelings that I had gotten from the first was stronger this time, almost making me cry out in the pleasure of it before I remembered that I had to keep silent. This was interesting.

I began the third, then the fourth, and the pleasure only grew as I continued slicing viciously into my vulnerable arm, losing count as the ecstasy blinded me from the mass of cuts that made my arm look like I had dragged it over a barbed wire fence repeatedly. I broke out of my reverie when I felt a little stream of blood run down my leg, and looked in horror as I saw the mutilated mass my skin had become.

"Shit" I muttered as I jumped up to turn the sink on to begin cleaning away the blood to inspect the situation closely. Even cleaned they looked disgusting, the later ones cut way too deep so that they exposed tender red insides to the outside world. I poured antiseptic wash over the lot of it and hissed when the alcohol in the mixture brought forth the pain I had previously ignored before. I quickly bandaged my entire arm with a roll of gauze I stole from the top drawer, home of all our medical supplies. I tucked the loose end up the top, and then rolled down my sleeve to cover the evidence of it. I checked in the mirror to make sure I looked all in order. I was pale, and my eyes were a little watery, but that would clear up before everyone woke up in the morning. I smiled grimly at myself, smoothing the loose ends of my braid back into place before exiting the bathroom.

I walked quickly back to my bed, accidentally knocking my foot against one of the posts that brought Heero out of his sleep with his hand going immediately under his pillow for the gun. "Shh Heero, it's alright, it's only me" I murmured. He gazed at me blankly before laying down again, rolling over so that his arm was still under his pillow. I gazed at his back for a moment before letting myself lower onto my bed, the exhaustion that always follows the process finally catching up to me. I pulled the quilt over myself with some difficulty, managing to tangle myself in it until I finally had it smoothed over me. I sighed tiredly as my head hit the pillow, my eyes already closing of their own accord while my mind slowly shut down and I drifted off to sleep.

…,,,;;;-/o0o-/((o0o))-/o0o-;;;.,,,…

_I put my trust in you_

_Pushed as far as I can go_

_And for all this _

_There's only one thing you should know…_

When I awoke I immediately felt my gaze drift to Heeros bed. He was already up, which made me moan sleepily, before I felt a sticky warm wetness sliding down my arm that made me freeze. My eyes wide open now, I gently pulled up my sleeve to find the bandage nearly black with blood, and I had to slap a hand over my mouth to stop my horrified yell escaping my lips. I scrambled out of bed as fast as I could, checking the sheets and mattress to find that they too were stained nearly ebony where my arm had rested. Oh shit. I raced to the bathroom, thankful that no one was using it, and slamming the door behind me with a thud that reverberated through the whole house. I didn't care about the others knowing at the moment, I just had to make it stop. I wanted to die on my own terms, not in this wimpy kind of way alone, and scared shitless, in this miserable little room.

I quickly prised off the already loose gauze and winced when I saw the cuts half clotted with old blood and wisps of the light fabric. I washed the whole thing again gently, pouring on more antiseptic that made me whimper with the wave of pain it brought. I got another roll of bandaging out of the top draw, mentally promising myself to replace it as soon as possible, even if I had to steal it. I started winding it tightly around the worst of it, yelping as I felt the loose edges of skin rub together. Quatre was passing by unfortunately at the exact same moment, and he heard it which made him knock on the door and ask, "Is that you Duo? Are you ok?"

"Fine" I yelled cheerfully. "I stubbed my damn toe on the skirting board." He seemed satisfied with this, and when I heard him move further along the hall I sighed gratefully. I don't really need awkward questions at the moment, I thought as I finished winding the bandage so tight I could feel my pulse throbbing in my hand. Damn, this hurt like a son of a bitch.

I raced back into my room, and ripped everything off my bed in one big flurry. I had just flipped the mattress over so no one could see the stain and had bundled all the bedding into a tight little ball that had the blood soaked bits wrapped entirely from view when Wufei stuck his head in the door to see what I was doing. He grinned when he saw my shocked face and for a moment I thought he knew what was happening. "Wet the bed Maxwell?" he asked not unkindly, and I almost fainted from relief. "Nightmares" was all I said, and he nodded sedately before going back out into the hall. I sagged to the floor as I felt sobs trying to climb their way up my throat, choking them back silently and brushing my eyes with my sleeve before getting up to get dressed.

I grabbed my long sleeved t-shirt and my black jeans and pulled them on, grimacing as even the small pressure from the fabric of the top settled on my abused arm. I made sure that the bandage was covered before grabbing the bedding and racing downstairs to the front door. I ran to the curb of the quiet leafy street just as the garbage truck was arriving two doors down and shoved the lot into one of the three garbage cans parked on the edge of the cement. I stood back and watched the overweight garbage man load everything into the back of the truck, smiling and giving him a wave as it drove away.

I walked more slowly back inside with a strange kind of dizziness, wrinkling my nose as the smell of cooking food assaulted my sense of smell. I really didn't feel like eating, but I had to maintain appearances for the benefit of the others if I wanted to get through this day. Picking up my step I fairly bounced into the kitchen, whistling as I did so, to find everyone at the table already starting to eat. I let an amused pout float across my face as I crossed the floor to grab my own plate. My reflection in the mirror of the sink looked pale, my eyes darker than they usually were.

"You could have waited for me" I said mock sternly as I loaded up my plate with nearly everything on the table, even though my stomach was protesting even at the sight of it all. The first mouthful nearly made me retch, and Trowa noticed, though I covered it with a grin and said, "Went down the wrong way! Don't you hate it when that happens?"

He gave a ghost of a smile and went back to eating his own rather small breakfast. I looked at everyone to make sure they weren't watching me as I forced another mouthful down, successfully controlling my gag reflex. I quickly got into the pattern of trying not to taste any of it as I forced it down my protesting throat. I looked up from one particularly bad mouthful to find Wufei smiling at me sympathetically. I raised my eyebrows at him even as I felt my heart begin to race in fear.

"Nightmare that bad, huh?" he said, and I had to cast my mind back for a moment to remember what he was talking about. I smiled and nodded, while reaching for the maple syrup to smother my scrambled eggs in it. I hated the taste, but felt it was needed to keep up the act of my wacky personality. Quatre grabbed my arm, my injured one, in concern and I nearly screamed at the wave of pain it caused.

"Are you still having nightmares Duo?" he asked worriedly, and I had to grip all of my resolve to answer him normally. "Yeah, but they don't get to me as much anymore."

Wufei snorted. "Bullshit. It was so bad last night he…well, he….you know…like a little kid." I looked at him in horror, fake of course, while inside I silently applauded him. Make them think whatever they want, anything to keep away from the truth of it. Everyone but Heero looked at me in pity, while he just stared at me blankly before going back to his meal. Quatre squeezed my arm, as if to reassure me, and I did black out for a couple of seconds before returning hazily back to the world. "You mind letting go of your death grip there, superman?" I said sweetly while I felt the sweat cascading down my back from the furious screech of my jangled nerves.

He blushed and let go, and I went back to trying to get through the torture of breakfast. As I was reaching for the apple juice though, I stared in horror as a little trail of blood droplets followed the movements of my wrist. Heero noticed my look and saw them as they dripped quietly onto the surface as well, and then his eyes snapped back up to mine with this intensely furious gaze. I quailed under it, turning my head away so he couldn't see my eyes and quickly withdrew my arm from sight. He stood up so slowly that the others didn't notice his movements until he slammed his utensils onto the table. They all started and looked at him in surprise, before looking towards me as I flinched when he grabbed my arm, the uninjured one thank god, and pulled me to my feet.

"What the hell is that, Maxwell?" he demanded in a soft voice as I tried to pull my arm out of his grasp. As I twisted around I slammed the inside of my wrist, the one with the cuts, onto the table and let out a barely audible gasp of pain. I lifted it up, and stared in shock at the clear imprint of blood in the shape of my arm on the varnished would. I then turned to him in sudden fury. I snarled, and pulled myself out of his strong hands before backing quickly away from the table like a cornered animal.

"What the hell do you think it is?" I shouted as everyone looked at the bloody imprint, then at me. I could feel that when I had jarred my arm it had ripped open the bigger cuts and was letting almost a constant stream of blood to patter on the tiles next to me. I didn't care though. I was furious at him for even thinking he could talk to me like that. I was getting a little dizzier for some reason, and had trouble focusing on them as everyone rose from the table to look at me. "It's…its none of…your…" I said thickly as I slid down the wall to the ground, suddenly feeling the strength in my legs disappear.

He took this opportunity to pin me down while struggling to pull up my sleeve, and I didn't let him do it easily. I struggled a little before seeing that it was hopeless and I sort of blacked out again, this time for about ten seconds. I came to just as he was pulling up my sleeve to reveal the already blood soaked bandage. "No…please…don't" I murmured as I tried to pull out of his grasp once more. He looked into my eyes for a moment, and did I see something in them? Pain? No, I must really be out of it. I stopped still as my movement sent a wave of nausea through me, and I turned my head away and squeezed my eyes tightly closed as he began to undo the tight cloth. I heard Quatre try to muffle a sob as my wounds were exposed to the open air. Wufei had gasped, and Trowa and sounded like he had murmured a quiet "No."

I felt tears trickle slowly out from under my eyelids as he turned my arm to get a better grasp and I felt warm wetness slide in a wave down the length of it. "Damn it" he muttered angrily, and I shook a little as he began prodding at the deeper ones with his cool thin fingers. "Quatre, go get the medicine kit, he's cut far too deep to close them on his own. Trowa, can you get me a bowl of warm water, and Wufei, lots of towels." He continued to examine them as my trembling got worse, and I started to half heartedly try to pull out of his grip. He shook me sharply to make me look in his eyes, and then murmured in a low comforting voice, "I know that I'm making you uncomfortable being this close to them, but I need to stop the bleeding. You will die if we don't get these deep ones closed. Do you know how much blood you've lost?"

I shook my head numbly, and nearly passed out as a fresh wave of dizziness nearly carried me away. He noticed, and shook me sharply again. "Don't go to sleep Duo, please, try to stay awake for me." I tried to open my eyes and got them part way open. He seemed satisfied with this, and I felt Quatre come running into the kitchen to kneel beside the two of us, Trowa with a large stainless steel bowl full of sloshing water and Wufei with a stack of white towels.

"Ok Trowa, you have to hold his arm in place while I start to stitch them closed, Quatre, you try to keep him awake for me, and Wufei, call Sally. We might need her help if he's lost too much blood." I felt Trowas nimble fingers gently take hold of my arm, and saw in the corner of my eye Heero ripping packets of sutures and needles and thread open with his teeth. Quatre took my face in his hands and turned my head to make me look at him. He had tears running down his cheeks, and I felt a wave of sadness that I had caused him such pain. "I'm sorry Quatre" I whispered, trying to raise my other hand to brush away the tears. "No Duo, no no no, I'm sorry, I should have saw this earlier. I should have known." He was sobbing quietly, and I felt my own eyes fill and I began to cry silently, not even having the energy to tremble as my lungs took in too much air from my gasping breaths.

"Keep him awake, that's good, keep him focused" I heard Heero mutter as I felt the sting of the needle pierce my arm, stiffening as it set off another wave of pain. I tried to jerk my wrist away, but Trowa had it in a death grasp, not allowing me to move it one millimetre. "Oh God no", I sobbed as I felt myself drifting into unconsciousness, only to be brought back by Quatre as he slapped my face gently. "Come on Duo, keep awake. Let's talk about all the lovely food we are going to eat when all this is over. Ice cream, and hot chips, hamburgers, all the best greasy stuff, what do you say, hey?"

I almost laughed at this, and decided to let one truth show, if only for the time being. "I hate food Quatre. I have to force myself to eat it most of the time." He looked momentarily surprised, before a smile graced his lips even as the tears kept running down his face. "I wondered why you didn't comment on the lovely breakfast I cooked this morning for you." I chuckled weakly, and closed my eyes. It hurt too much to have them open. "Duo, open your eyes, you have to stay awake for me Duo, please try." I did try, but my eyelids seemed to have iron weights keeping them closed. I finally prised them open to see him peering worriedly into my eyes, his blue ones scanning my face to make sure I was awake.

"Heero, he's losing consciousness." Heero stopped the administrations on my arm to lean over to look into my eyes. "He's going into shock from loss of blood. Wufei?" I heard him come running back into the kitchen, and saw dimly as he handed the phone to him. "I need you to get all the ice you can find and put it in some tea towels. We'll have to freeze him a little to stop the blood flowing so fast to the cuts." He barked "It's Heero" into the phone, before listening intently for almost half a minute. He then grabbed one of the towels, and dipping it in the water started wiping away the half dried and still wet blood, revealing hundreds of fine little scars running up and down my wrist. "He's done it, I don't know, maybe hundreds of times before this" he said worriedly to Sally, and then listened for a little while longer before putting the phone down and taking my face in his hands after gently brushing Quatre aside. "Duo, was there something different about this time? Can you tell me what it was?" he asked after I had nodded tiredly.

I tried to speak, and discovered my mouth was too dry. After motioning Quatre to get me some water, he grabbed the glass and pushed it against my mouth to make me swallow it. I did so, spluttering as it actually went the wrong way this time, before answering in a cracked voice, "It…was…different this time…because…it was good…all the time…" He looked at me concernedly, before relaying what I had said to Sally. "She wants to know what you mean by good all the time." "Usually…the good feelings stop…after the first…cut, but…this time…it just kept…feeling better and better."

He said all this to Sally, before making a face and saying to Trowa, "Hold his arm steady again, Wufei, pack his arm and chest with the ice. We have to sew it up as much as we can before she gets here." Wufei did as he was asked, and I immediately started shivering as the icy cold enveloped my torso. "That's great Fei; just keep a lot of it on there. Duo, Sally says you reached your limit last night and that's why you couldn't stop this time." He started stitching again, but I didn't feel any pain this time, just an odd sort of pulling sensation. It was probably from the ice.

A few minutes later he sighed and rocked back on his heels, rubbing his hands tiredly across his eyes, leaving a couple of bloody streaks. I barely noticed this, and I couldn't feel it when he put his hands on my cheeks again, only a hint of pressure as he pressed them slightly to make me look him in the eye. "You can't feel this, can you?" he asked softly, and I shook my head with the barest of movements so he could feel it. He sighed wearily, and picked up the phone again. "Sally, are you nearly here? Good, I don't know long he can last. He's lost so much blood…yes, he is still awake. Just keep him awake until you get here? Ok." My head nodded forward and for the first time I saw how much blood I had lost. It spread in a large pool all around me, making the tiles underneath look like they had been stained with a cherry red luminance.

I pulled my head back after what seems like a million years to see him peering into my eyes again. I weakly moved my uninjured hand to rest on top of his, and was grateful when he took it and squeezed it with both of his. I decided I would tell him right there and then about how I felt, about how I loved him. "Heero?" I was a little surprised at the calmness in my voice, and I could tell so was he. "Yes Duo?" I just looked at him for a long time, my eyes never leaving his face, and then I whispered so softly I don't think even I heard me. "I…I love you. Please don't take this the wrong way…but…I really do. I love you."

He looked pained at this statement, and picked up the phone again and started yelling into it, "Sally, hurry the hell up! We're losing him!" I heard her shout even through the phone as she said she was a street away. I even dimly heard the screech of brakes as a car roared into the driveway. Then she was there, vibrant as always as she commanded Heero to pick me up and take me upstairs to our room. She checked my pulse as he picked me up so damn carefully, as if I were made of fragile glass and started to move me slowly towards the stairs. She grabbed my arm and inspected the stitches carefully even as they were making their way upstairs, asking lots of questions I was having a hard time focusing on. "It was a good idea with the ice, Heero" Sally said as Heero lowered me onto his bed. "Do you know how long it's been since he did it?"

Heero shook his head absently as he manoeuvred my braid so it wouldn't get any blood on it, making it lie beside me like a curled up snake. I smiled briefly in thanks, feeling very out of the situation as Sally began hooking up several bags filled with red fluid on a pole she had had Quatre carry up for her. Heero took my hand again, and I saw him look very scared for a split second before Sally turned around and he slammed his mask back into place again. He didn't let go of my hand though, and I squeezed it weakly as his grip grew tighter when Sally, after checking my pulse again, ripped open her bag and got out the largest needle I have ever seen before in my life. I tried to move and found I couldn't even twitch a muscle in sympathy. I whispered breathily, "No…needles." Sally just tsked and said, "This is an adrenaline shot Duo. Your heart is starting to slow down too much too fast, so I have to inject this directly into your chest, ok?" I tried to shake my head to indicate no, it was not ok in my books, but found I couldn't even move my neck muscles. I had never felt so weak before in my life.

She ripped open my shirt, before murmuring, "Oh my God." Oh shit. I had forgotten about those ones. Three large puckered scars that were old bullet wounds. A large gash which I had obtained from a knife when I was a child. Countless others all in little processions of white marching across my thin chest like runes from some forgotten obscure language. She instructed Heero and Trowa, being the ones with the most weight, to hold down my arms and chest and motioned for Quatre and Wufei to come and sit on my legs. I would have laughed if they had tried to do this at any other time, but since I seemed to have trouble breathing that didn't seem like such a good idea.

"Ok, get ready because he won't like this" she muttered as she started to fill the needle with a clear fluid I couldn't recognise. I started to fade away again, and she slapped me a lot harder than Quatre had done earlier making a little feeling come back into my face. "You felt that?" I nodded a little, my eyes wide as the needle was brought closer to my chest. "Don't tense up, whatever you do Duo." She then stabbed the needle into my chest and depressed the plunger all the way, and my heart slowed for a second before bucking and beating so fast I couldn't differentiate between the beats. I started gasping uncontrollably and felt my body rise and contort a little without my consent. They held me down though, as I started to make this weird high pitched keening noise as my heart tried to beat its way out of my chest.

It slowed suddenly, and I tried to push them off me with renewed vigour as Sally started to hook me up to all the red filled bags with needles she inserted in various parts of my body. "Keep holding him down, that's it, Duo, you have to stop. You can still die if I don't get these blood infusions into you as fast as I can. Can you hear me?" I stopped struggling and lay there panting as she finished hooking up the bags to the numerous IV lines snaking out of my body. "That's better Duo, just relax." She then started to check the stitches again, making sure they were taught but not so stretched that they would snap if I moved my arm. Satisfied, she made sure all the drips were working before packing up all her things with a sigh. She didn't leave though, just sat by the side of my bed with the rest of them as I finally started to breathe normally in a large deep rhythm.

Sally turned to me in seriousness then, and I dreaded the questions she would be asking. She sensed this, but decided to plough on anyway, probably because I couldn't run away from it at this time. "How long have you been doing this?" That wasn't such an easy question to answer as time seemed to blur whenever I thought how long I had been feeling the need. "Maybe four years, it isn't clear." She nodded, saying after what seemed like an eternity, "Since you were eleven, ok. Would I be too forward if I asked why you do it?" I shook my head tiredly, and paused for a little while to think of the answer. "It….there's a….feeling I get if I don't…well, cut. It feels like heat, and pins in my skin. I do it to relieve that pressure. I can't stop, and it disgusts me so much but…I have to." I trailed off awkwardly and looked at the ceiling, feeling Heeros hand as he twined his fingers through mine and squeezed gently. I squeezed back, comforted by his presence.

"What do you use to cut?" she asked as she started making notes in a little book she pulled out of her black doctors' bag. I sighed, and turned my head a little to face Heero, wincing at the sad expression on his face that I had never seen before. I looked into his eyes as I said, "In my drawer in the bathroom is a side compartment you open by pressing a little button next to the washer on the screw. In there are my blades. Can you go get them for me?" He looked at Sally to see if this was ok, and when she nodded her head he gave my hand a final squeeze before rising to walk to the bathroom. I heard the sound of my drawer being opened and a sliding sound as he pulled open the hidden compartment, and then footsteps as he walked back to hand them to Sally.

She turned them over in her hands, and I winced when I saw that I had forgotten to clean them last night. She pulled out some alcohol swabs and wiped them before taking a thin black wooded box out of her bag and nestled them inside. She also put in band-aids, more alcoholic swabs and a roll of gauze before handing the lot to me. I blinked at her in surprise and raised my eyebrows in a question. She sighed and said, "You will not be able to stop cutting just like that. You might even have to cut your whole life, and I find this way is better. You will have to cut every time the need arises, but limit yourself to only one or two each time. If you don't, something like this will happen, and soon. Now I know that this is a solitary thing, but you will need to have someone present when…" "No." I interrupted her softly. "I can't do that to anyone, not least the people I now consider to be my family. You have no right in asking that." She smoothed back the hair on my forehead and seemed to slump. "I know the implications of what I am asking of you, and even you four" she said as she turned to face the others. "But you need someone there to stop you if you lose control again. I had to have someone with me when I was doing it, and I found it's much easier to stop when you have people supporting you." She smiled wryly and rolled up her sleeve to reveal traces of scars on her wrists. "I do know what I'm talking about here."

I gave her a small smile that froze when I felt the stirrings of the need rise in my flesh. "It can't be, not this soon…"I muttered as I started to scratch my suddenly itchy face. She gave me a concerned look, seeing something in my face that confirmed her suspicions. "I was right; you have reached your limit. Before you only used to cut about twice a week, right?" I nodded and almost yelped as the feelings arose in a flood that made me want to roll on the ground like a horse with sweat on its back. "It will be much stronger and come more often now, and the feelings will only get better. You have to control yourself though, limit it as much as you can. If you don't, well…." She trailed off and in a flash I saw what would happen. More pain, agony, death….I shuddered and gave a nod. The box sitting next to me already had the persona of my blades-cool, icy calm that would wash the feelings away. I ached for them, and only the shame of my friends seeing me with my nasty little secret stopped me from ripping the lid off and relieving the pressure in me.

"Do you want me to stay, and the others to leave?" she asked quietly, and I nodded quickly, only to be rebuffed by the others as they argued that they had to stay too. "You need help, and I feel like I have failed you" Quatre murmured. "Let me help with this Duo, please." Trowa nodded and sat at the end of Heeros bed and looked like a tank wouldn't be able to budge him. "You have done honourably until now Duo. There is no shame in a warrior asking for assistance when he needs it, even if he is a stupid Baka sometimes" Wufei said as he smiled gently. I looked away from them all, and Heero grabbed my face in both of his hands to make me look at him. He had this determined look in his eyes, and such an unbearable look of worry and sadness that it hurt too look at him. All he said was, "I need you too much to let you go", and while everyone looked at him in surprise he gently kissed my forehead. I stared at him in confusion, before my eyes flickered back to the box and then up to Sally's face. She had a look of calmness on her face that decided it for me. I had to do this now, otherwise I would go insane.

I sat up carefully, so as not to disturb the drips in my arms, and crossed my legs so I could rest the box on top of them. I opened it carefully, pulling Transit, the word etched on one of the knives like a name, out and rolled it over and over in my fingers, watching the sunlight that was streaming in from the open window turn it into a whirling mass of cold liquid metal. I stopped and my eyes roved every ones face as I held it tightly in one hand. Quatre looked worried, Wufei grim, Trowa expressionless and Heero with a mix of anger and something else I couldn't identify. Sally just nodded at me, watching the knife in my hand with the same kind of longing I was feeling, but weaker and less substantial. I sighed, feeling a catch in my throat as my eyes filled with tears and I lowered the blade to a patch on my arm that hadn't been previously damaged.

I stopped and left it gently pressing onto my skin as I began to sob quietly, trembling in such a way I wasn't sure if I could stop. I began to cry harder as I felt Heero move up so that the outside of his left leg and my right leg were touching, and put an arm around my slim shoulders. "You do what you have to do Duo" he said quietly as he rubbed my back slowly in a circling motion, resting his forehead on my shoulder. I got a better grip on Transit and pressed forward slowly, so that the blade went neatly into my arm and I felt instant satisfaction as blood began to well up. Everything else began to fade away; there was only me, the knife, and the rising blood. I finished it neatly, feeling the need die down as the knife withdrew from my flesh. I started another one even more slowly, feeling a rush of light-headedness as the relief filled me that I would be able to stop after this one. I left the knife a little in me as I drew to a stop, watching mesmerised as the blood ran in a trickle down my pale skin, only pulling it out as I felt Heero tense next to me. I sighed and closed my eyes, glad that the itchiness was gone, and the need with it.

"Better now?" Sally asked, and I nodded tiredly before leaning back onto Heeros arm. I felt exhausted; the blood loss and the emotional stress taking its toll on my mind and body. Heero let me lean into him and I started to fall asleep, half relieved and half sad that he had had to watch me do this. I felt him pick my up gently, while someone pulled back the covers of his bed, stirring a little as he put me back down. Sally pulled the quilt up over me so that my injured arm was still exposed, and I felt her start to clean the fresh cuts along with the old with patient care. My mind started to shut down and I welcomed it, an escape from this days events.

_The next chapter will be written from Heeros point of view. They are still in the room with Duo as he is asleep, so he will be in it in a fashion._

_The events in this chapter have happened to me, except for the cutting so soon, as mine was the next day. My boyfriend Dave supervises me while I cut, but he has a condition similar to mine, his with pins, so he is used to it. I do the same with him, so I can describe the feelings of watching someone do this. I might be a bit biased due to my own feelings on the subject, but I will portray it as accurately as possible. If you want to discuss any of this with me, simply write me an email and I promise I will get back to you as fast as I can._

_Love Melissa._


	2. The Day of Sorrowful Realisations

_I want to thank everyone who has reviewed so far._

_**Crazy-lil-nae-nae**: Thankyou for your praise of this story, and my other works. Your stories have so much emotional insight, and such beautiful complexity, it is an honour to be praised by you._

_**TrigunChic**: I know that feeling well. The anticipation for the next rush of emotions is a tedious thing, and I am glad to know you do not cut. If you continue to have these feelings, please do me a favour, and go see a doctor. This is how I started out, with just the feeling, and then I discovered cutting and it took a hold of me pretty quick. Thankyou so much for reading this._

_**Magdalia**: It's nice to know that people from other countries are actively looking at this. Unfortunately the events in my story happen so damn often that there isn't enough help for the people that really need it. I know you cut, and I hope that you have someone with you to supervise you. It doesn't matter if your English isn't good. To me, you have a fine grip on the language._

_**Deathscythe Duo**: Thanks for reading. And this is my update. So, I guess, all your wishes have come true…heh… Thankyou for saying I write well. I try, and that's all that matters. Thankyou for caring enough to write a review._

_The same disclaimers as before, and with the same warnings as well. If you cut, or are severely depressed and haven't told anyone, please seek help immediately. At least talk to friends or family bout it, so you will not feel so alone. That was the worst feeling when I was secretly cutting, the feeling that I was alone in the world, and that made my depression worse._

_The song featured in this story is The Unnamed Feeling, by Metallica, from their latest album. The rest of their works can be found at _

_Thankyou._

**The Day of Sorrowful Realisations.**

_Been here before_

_Been here couldn't say I liked it_

_Do I start writing all this down?_

_Just let me plug you into my world_

_Can't you help me be uncrazy?_

_Name this for me, heat the cold air_

_Take this chill off of my life_

_And if I could I'd turn my eyes_

_To look inside to see what's comin'_

…;;;((Heero's Point Of View));;;…

His breathing slowed as he fell asleep, even as Sally was starting to bandage the marks on his arm that must have hurt. I sighed as I felt him tense slightly as I tried to pull my hand out of his to let him rest, feeling awkward for perhaps the first time in years. He looked so fragile asleep, a totally different personality from the Duo Maxwell I had eventually come to like and to respect, that I felt like I was comforting a stranger, a stranger that I knew as intimately as a lover.

**Hurting.**

He still looked beautiful even while so pale, and I pondered for a moment in the words he had confessed to me in the kitchen. The look in his eyes had been one of truth, and a desperate one at that. I had had…feelings….toward him for quite some time, and I knew that he didn't know that I cared deeply about him. I loved the way he could make me laugh, even though it was silently inside and the honour and bravery he had in battle. He was beautiful too; Brown hair glinting with shimmers like the moons glow, skin like frost, and violet eyes that one could drown in if given half a chance. I had thought originally that I was experiencing a sort of Roman lust for him, as a fellow soldier, but I was afraid to find that I felt this way towards him even while out of combat. It wasn't possible to feel such an emotion for another guy, was it?

**My heart, it hurts.**

I had no idea that he could do something like this until I saw the blood on the table at breakfast. When I had looked him in the eye and saw the horror that he had been found I felt sudden soul freezing fear that I would lose him, if only for a second before my anger exploded, that I hadn't known he was in such pain. He must have thought that the anger had been directed at him, I realised suddenly, and felt ashamed that I had hurt him unintentionally. I sighed again, a bit louder this time that drew the attention of everyone in the room. I didn't know why they were staring at me until I could feel moisture running down my cheeks. Was I sweating? It wasn't hot in this room, and I hadn't been doing anything exerting, so the source of it was a mystery to me until I made a small whimpering sound and realised I had been crying silently.

**It hurts so much.**

I turned to look at Duo again, marvelling at how small and thin he appeared asleep. Normally he seemed larger than me, with all his emotions making up for his lack of size, and I often felt dwarfed by the magnitude of his passion for things. I wondered why I had never let him know this, and cursed myself bitterly as I put his delicate hand in my own rough ones. I looked at our hands linked together and felt sudden irrational fear that this was a dream and I would wake up unable to feel again. He had taught me my emotions all over again, and I felt that if I lost him, if this wasn't real, then I wasn't real too. I gripped his hands too hard as I bowed my head with the feeling of helplessness flooding me, and I felt him squeeze back even while he was asleep. I felt relieved, and let go of him to awaken a feeling of a different kind of awkwardness. I grabbed his hand again.

**I think its breaking.**

"Are you alright Heero?" Sally asked, and I looked up to stare at her blankly for a second before I lost control and felt my emotions stagger across my face. I composed myself quickly, before stating, "I don't know what to feel anymore. I should be angry at him for this, right? Not…scared?" I hated to admit any kind of weakness, but the events that had unfolded from the instant I had saw that crimson splash on the surface of the table had unhinged me for the time being. She looked at me sadly, reaching across him to place a hand on my own, and I was unaware that I had begun to tremble slightly as I looked down on his calm visage, remnants of pain still visible in his slightly drawn mouth. "It's ok to feel like this you know, it isn't a crime."

**I'm falling apart.**

"It is" I said calmly, still not looking at anyone but him as I began to stroke his hand slightly. "I am not allowed to feel, it is not in my mission agenda. Fear is a survival instinct, so why do I feel like I can't survive if he dies? It is possible to live without the aid of anyone, but for some unknown factor, if he dies than I am not real. If I am not real, then everything in my life is a lie. I…I…cant…l-let h-him know this. I c-can't." I felt more tears slide gently down my cheeks, but I ignored them so I could continue to watch his chest rise and fall. I was afraid to not stare at him; he could die without me making sure he was alive.

**Why did you do this?**

"W-why do I f-feel like I'm d-dying inside? The coldness was h-heaven compared t-to this p-pain. I-if he d-doesn't wake up, w-what am I going t-to do?" I felt myself clench everything as a number of silent sobs racked my body, and I think nobody dared to touch me as if I would explode into anger and lose all my reason. There was no chance of that happening; I had lost all my reason when I had finished sewing Duos cuts. Everything that was stable in my life had been thrown out the window. It's like discovering the sun rising at night; it was strange and disturbing.

**Do I…do I hurt you that much?**

Quatre suddenly launched himself at me, hugging me as he began to cry himself. I froze and tensed, before something in the bottom of my heart told me I could relax, I needed to feel this. I sagged in his grip, even as I held onto Duos lovely creamy hand, shaking silently with an emotion that felt too large for me to deal with. I didn't shut my eyes once, letting these tears, such a new thing to me, pool silently in my aching eyes to fall as if in enchantment on our hands twined together like lost threads.

_I'm frantic in your soothing arms_

_I can not sleep in this down filled world_

_I've found safety in this loneliness_

_But I can not stand it anymore_

_Cross my heart hope not to die_

_Swallow evil, ride the sky_

_Lose myself in a crowded room_

_You fool, you fool, it will be here soon_

_It comes alive_

_And I die a little more_

_It comes alive_

_Each moment here I die a little more_

"I think the worst thing is I understand somewhat of what he's going through" I said quietly after I had finished shaking. Quatre had disengaged himself to cry silently on the end of the bed, Trowa trying in vain to comfort the sensitive blonde. Sally looked at me sharply, her lips already forming a question. I shook my head sharply, saying "I don't…hurt myself…like this, but the suicide. I can understand that." Everyone looked at me in confusion, and I ran my free hand nervously through my hair. I was not used to this scrutiny, and I was afraid of what their reactions would be to my news. "I have no other purpose but to kill, over and over again. When the war ends, if I don't die during it, what am I going to do? I was planning to kill myself with the least amount of fuss as possible. This is all I am good for. He keeps me going though. If I had known he was in this much pain I would have told him sooner…"

**Why didn't I tell you?!**

Sally stood up abruptly, jarring me out of my reverie as she grabbed my arm angrily and whispered in a fierce tone of voice, "You are not just made for war Heero, nobody is, however much they have been conditioned to. I now see how you feel about him, and he will need all of your support to get through this, if your feelings are genuine." I shook her off angrily, glaring at her as I said coldly, "Of course they are genuine. I would not lie about a thing as important as this." I stalked to the other side of the room, to peer through the window, enjoying briefly the feel of the sun on my skin before it faded back into the pool of my small feelings. I sighed heavily, watching as the sun hid its gentle light behind coming storm clouds that were already flickering with hints of lightning. I rested my head against the glass and whispered softly, "I love him. And it's my fault he's like this"

**All my fault….**

_Then the unnamed feeling_

_It comes alive_

_Then the unnamed feeling_

_Treats me this way_

_And I wait for this train_

_Toes over the line_

_And then the unnamed Feeling_

_Takes me away_

_I cannot sleep with a head like this_

_I wanna cry, I wanna scream_

_I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate_

_I wanna hate it all away_

_Then the unnamed feeling_

_It comes alive_

_Then the unnamed feeling_

_Takes me away_

I suddenly leaped towards the bed, graceful enough so I didn't twist or break my ankles as I landed next to it with a thud, pulling the gun from beneath my pillow in one smooth motion and cocking it to my temple. I stared at Duo as I breathed heavily though silently, thinking that I couldn't bear to do this to him, to make him hurt. I was the uncaring bastard, the one with the retarded emotions, and it only served to cause him more anguish. I still had a grip on my gun as I slipped down to sit cross-legged next to the sleeping form of Duo, this time resting it under my chin so my arm would not get tired. I turned to look at the others, fear and concern flitting across their faces like fireflies dancing in the dark, and I laughed harshly before saying, "I'm not taking any of you down with me. I just want to say goodbye to him. In my own way." I ran my free hand tenderly down his arm, the uninjured one. He stirred and opened his eyes, and only my quick reflexes stopped him from seeing the gun as I shifted my arm to make it point at the jugular vein in my neck.

**I.**

"Heero?" he whispered, his voice still scratchy with emotion from earlier. I smiled, shocking him a little I think, before whispering back, "It's ok, it's only me." He smiled, a genuine one, and said with a little more life in his voice, "I thought you wouldn't remember that. I was hoping, anyway…" I chuckled lightly at this, which made him look at me in concern. I don't think I had ever laughed before in his presence. "I suppose you're wondering why I woke you up?" I asked, and he nodded in some confusion. I sighed heavily, feeling the lump trying to rise in my throat again. "I had to say good-bye." He sat up suddenly at this, looking at me with a mixture of shame and fear. "This isn't because of what I did, is it?" he asked, and I smiled and shook my head. I could lie to him at least, so he wouldn't feel any…well, guilt, when I was done with all this. "Are you going on a mission?"

**I…love?**

"You could call it that, I suppose." At this Trowa leapt at me with a hiss, and only Wufei and Quatre grabbing him made him stop a few feet from me. I smiled at him, which only served to make him struggle furiously against the guys who restrained him more in his effort to get to me. "What the hell is going on?" Duo demanded, sounding very much like his old self. "Sally? What happened?" Sally, however, was staring at me with the widest eyes I had ever seen on her, her mouth covered by her hand. "Please Heero; think about this, you don't need to do this..." "Yes, I do", I replied calmly, disengaging the safety on it and sliding it into a more comfortable position. Duo heard the sound and looked at me in shock, and I hated the pain that I was causing him once again. Trying not to cause him any was the object of all of this, and yet here I was deliberately hurting him again. I smiled wryly at him, saying with a tremor in my voice, "See? I can't even do this right."

**I love…him?**

"Do what right, what the hell are you talking about?" he said angrily, and I shifted the gun again so he could see what I was doing. It was selfish, and I know that, but I wanted him to leave so I didn't have to do this in front of him. It didn't work, as I saw his mouth set in that mulish line that I hated, yet I loved, and I growled irritably, muttering, "Leave Duo. I know you can walk now." He glared at me angrily, and I winced, my conscience wailing that this was wrong, so very wrong. "Duo, goddamn it!" I cried, my voice turning into a sob on the last word.

**I love you.**

"Do me first" he said softly, his hand resting on my knee as he looked me in the eye, his brimming with tears and hurt and pain and a strange kind of expectation. I shook my head in furious denial at this suggestion, pulling away from his touch as if it burned me. The tears came again and didn't stop, making me feel weak and strong, weak that I was crying and strong that I could do it at all. "I'm doing this because I know I hurt you" I whispered fiercely, not daring to look at him anymore.

**I love all that you are.**

"You're hurting me more by doing this Heero" he said quietly to me, and I almost pulled the trigger just at the accusation in his otherwise dull tone. I gulped convulsively and shut my eyes, turning to face the window so I could feel the filtered sunlight on my face that had been warming my back previously. I drew in a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut, and was about to pull the trigger when I felt incredible soft lips cover my own in a hesitant kiss. I pulled back and opened my eyes in shock, to find myself staring into warm liquid amethysts masquerading as eyes. "What are you doing?" I croaked, as more tears started to slide down my already water stained face. He smiled, albeit trembly, and said, "I need you too much to let you go" he said softly, and I laughed a little at the words he was, because I had said them myself not 45 minutes ago.

**And all that you could be.**

He grinned with me, and slowly pulled the gun out of my hands. I let it go reluctantly, and when it was gone he wrapped his arms around me in the first hug I had had in years, with the exception of Quatre's clinging earlier. I stiffened up, but then grabbed him back needily, feeling his heart as it beat in sync with my own in a mad kind of nervous dance. I let all my control go and sobbed quietly into his shoulder, hoping that no one would use this against me later. I guess I was still as paranoid as I have always been, even when I was open. Damn J for making me like this.

**I love you.**

"Heero, it's ok, let it all go" I hear him whisper in my ear as he hugged me until my ribs protested. I started to wail, a thing I would never expect myself to do now or in the near future, the far future, never even imagined I could lose control like this in a million years. And it hurt. So goddamn much it made me want to scream at the injustice of it. But I could feel its gentle healing already soothing my tortured psyche. Everyone was crying quietly now, even Sally, but I didn't notice this. I only saw Duo, being strong for me, when I wanted to be the one being strong for him. I guess we were strong for each other then.

**And I never want to let you go.**

I felt my true emotions for the first time in years on that stormy lightning filled morning. And I embraced all that was me, and hugged it selfishly to myself, not willing to ever let it go. Except maybe to give a piece of my heart to another hurting soul.

"I love you Duo."

"I love you too Hee-chan."

_Then the unnamed feeling_

_It comes alive_

_Then the unnamed feeling_

_Takes me away_

_And there is another chapter. I will be willing to discuss the exact events that happened to me, in detail, for those squeamish enough to ask for it. Dave will write too, so that you have an idea of what we both went through. So I guess, for us, it's a kind of therapy, while we also spread awareness of depression and its sufferers._

_I want to thank everyone for giving me the courage to write this, my family, my friends, and Dave, who I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. And to the reviewers of past and the reviewers to come._

_Thankyou everyone._

_Love Melissa._


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